We often come across people that are 20, 30, 40 years old, but that is just on the outside. Deep inside them, they seem like they are stuck in their early childhood and still expect the love that they didn’t get. They stay there until they learn how they can love themselves.
Different ages also have different needs, meaning that the attention and love that we usually expect from our parents, changes with each year that passes. We have different needs, as well as requirements.
Early childhood is a period where trust is being built, so, love at this age means something like the compassionate concern of the mother about the needs of her child.
If the motherwas unreliable towards her child, she dismissed the child, etc., her behavior can make the child worry, as well as feel afraid for her or his wellbeing.
In adulthood, it is tough to make contact with such people. In relationships, they usually test and question their partners, because they have trust problems. In intimate relationships, they may also feel helpless and vulnerable.
A little later, between the second and the third year of life, the child learns to be independent, and he/she also develops self – control. If parents hindered development in any way, for instance, they were impatiently and persistently doing what a child could easily do by himself/herself, or, expecting the child to do some things that he or she was unable to do alone then the feeling of shame will appear.
When being constantly overprotective of their child, parents are also leaving them blind to the real needs of their child and then the child will start doubting his or her abilities, being able to control their surroundings and him or herself.
Even as adults, these people, instead of being confident, they think that other people may look at them with judgment and disapproval. Obsessive-compulsive symptoms or paranoid fears which are caused by trauma can also happen in such people.
To love a child aged 3-6 is to encourage his/her independent actions, as well as support his/her initiatives and the approval of their curiosity and creativity. If the parents do not allow the child to act alone, in response to their needs, they punish him/her too much, feeling of guilt develop.
And then in adulthood, such “big kids” do not have enough focus on their goals and determination, to set realistic aims and achieve them. Additionally, a constant sense of guilt can cause passivity, as well as psychopathic behavior.
During school age, we form values. If you doubt the capacity of your child, it may in some way discourage them from further learning. It may also create a feeling of interiority, which kills their security and ability to function effectively and exists in the world.
If children experience school achievement, as well as work as the sole criterion for judging their values, as adults, they may become “workforce” in the established hierarchical society.
Give your inner child a helping hand and help in the growth. To do this, find a picture of yourself as a child or imagine a child living in you. How old is that child? What does that child look like? What is that child thinking? Who is next to that child? What is the matter with him/her?
Then, take paper and two pencils that are of different color: one in your right hand and the other on your left side. If you are right-handed, write with your right hand on behalf of your adult self, and use the left hand on behalf of your inner child. If you are left-handed, do the opposite.
During the conversation, you and your inner child are all alone. Who will make contact first? When will you start communicating? The answer which you will get may be unexpected.
Now that you have found your inner child and started talking to him/her, it will be time to establish a relationship with him/her. Communicate with the kid in there as much as you like. Also, ask him/her what he misses. Give your inner child what he/she is looking for. Call your inner child by his/her name, tell him/her kind and loving words, give him/her your love. Ask him/her something.
Be the parent that you once needed to be.
Image Credit: Shutterstock (licensed)/By Victor Tondee