Saying those three words to family members, spouses and friends always seems to be special. But how many times have you said "I love you” to yourself?
For many of us...never.
Kristin Neff, a professor of Psychology at University of Texas at Austin, says self-compassion is not to be confused with self-indulgence or lower standards.
“I found in my research that the biggest reason people aren’t more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they’ll become self-indulgent,” said Dr. Neff, an associate professor of human development at the University of Texas at Austin. “They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be.”
Imagine your reaction to your son or daughter who struggles with a school subject. Most parents would offer support, find a tutor or work with them one on one. But when adults find themselves feeling something similar such as struggling at work, they fall into patterns of self criticism resulting in less motivation.
In a NY Times interview, Dr. Neff stated, “Self-compassion is really conducive to motivation,” Dr. Neff said. “The reason you don’t let your children eat five big tubs of ice cream is because you care about them. With self-compassion, if you care about yourself, you do what’s healthy for you rather than what’s harmful to you.”
It’s not about tough love.
Historically, ancient texts from various religions all hold belief in the power of affirmations (via prayer), but do affirmations really work?
According to research, people who practice self compassion feel more joy, gratitude and optimism than those who are critical of themselves.
If you need more reasons to love yourself, (hopefully you do not!), here are some ways embracing yourself can change your life:
The Dalai Lama says ancient teachings site, “If you do not love yourself, you cannot love others.” And if you can’t love others, others cannot love you right back. It’s a vicious cycle that never needs to start by just practicing self compassion.
So how do we start talking to ourselves in this way? Try ancient forms of meditation or even just saying affirmations and begin to fall in love...with yourself.
"I declare that the heart's release by sympathetic joy has the sphere of infinite consciousness for its excellence."
Is there a particular outcome, opportunity, or material thing you really want in this moment?
Do you hold on to expectations of how certain people around you should behave and treat you?
And do you have high expectations of yourself?